you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
