last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
