one two three fourrrrnication!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
