I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
