so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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