You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
