i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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