Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
