I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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