When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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