got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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