Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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