Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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