Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
