I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
