had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
