So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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