My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
