Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
