I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
