If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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