There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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