So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
