I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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