dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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