his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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