I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
