I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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