I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
