he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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