I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
