hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
