Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You are the jesus of drinking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
