a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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