great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
