You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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