He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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