I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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