Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
