then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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