If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
