I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
ttyl tear gas
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
