Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i will never coherently bang her
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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