so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
