Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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