Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
