your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
