It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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