Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
