I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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