I heard we made out
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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